I Survived Valentine's Day Confessions

My mobile app saved my life February 15, 2011
Surviving Valentine’s Day turned out to be somewhat easy. Realized there's no need to get all girly and emotional. Cry? What's that? I know I don’t need a man to dote on me and monitor--giggle--my every--giggle--move--Hahahaha(breath)hahaaaa
Oh man sorry hehe...

Thought I could rock that fake little empowerment speech without cracking but...nah. Saw that going differently in my head is all...woo..geez ok where was I?
OH YES, umm actually an easier V-day was made possible - compliments a la HeyTell.

Sending a HeyTell allows you to send your voice as a text message instead of an actual written text.

Have you ever sent a txt and in turn, confusingly received a haughty reply back? It's easy for a recipient to mistake your casual “text tone” for a rude one.

I’ve mentioned this to people before and for some reason they're slow to absorb my concept.

So quick example >> you send the word “sure”. Did you mean…Peppy-Cheerleader sure! or Sarcastic-Sally surrre?

See what I mean?

HeyTell allows you to verbalize your text message thus eliminating the universal thought of, “did she mean that like I think she meant that?”

The existence of HeyTell provides my friends and I with a portal to discuss suicidal thoughts brought on by Valentine's Day. Our worry-worthy statements pass as entertaining when heard through HeyTell. We sound straight psychotic when statements are viewed as a text. My first V-day HeyTell message came from Emily.


“Happy f------ Valentine’s day! I just went to Tiki Tan for the first time in like a year, did the high pressure bed…uh don’t do that if you aren’t already tan. Literally can’t feel my a--”


"So your a--, which clearly resembles the shape of a heart, is now red...and here I was thinking you wouldn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day at all this year"


“Yes Ashley that is exactly what I was going for”

(few minutes pass)

"Now tell me the plan. Are we going to Natalie’s house for a glass of wine or two or nine?”
Lauren’s HeyTell message soon followed. The nature of her's was more complex. (Please note: the crude, CAPS LOCK outbursts depict random song lyrics from Chris Brown’s “Deuces”)


“So I’m lucky I don’t have anything sharp near me, might find me dead on my—MOVIN’ ON TO SOMETHIN BETTA...YOU MADE ME WANNA SAY BUH BYE—that’s what we need to say to all of our ex bf’s—HATE LIARS, F--- LOVE I’M TIRED OF TRYIN–I needed to tell you my special verse…since umm…it’s that special day today”

Then kinda dumbfoundedly and a little like a child who knew very few words I replied:

“Cool. Pulling into Spec’s”

Science behind the status February 15, 2011
I’ve always loved Valentine’s Day. However, experiencing this holiday solo = loving it a little less.

Regardless, the fact still remains - I'm a sucker for romance - THAT MEANS, I’m not at such a level of disgust that I can justify staying inside all day moping...wishing I was Cupid. (Cupid has arrows. Arrows can shoot happy people from bedroom windows)
I end up being forced to humor what I know is taking place all around me.
Flower deliveries…dinner reservations…lingerie purchases…sappy Facebook status updates…

Its instances such as these that I try to…make my mouth do that thing it does. You know, when I’m supposed to like, show joy…be joyous…content…gosh what is it…

oh yea…


There’s a science behind status updating, fyi. Ever wonder about why you feel compelled to “like” certain ones?

For example, do you find yourself “liking” the sarcastic, funny ones?
“Attack life, you’ll never get out alive anyways”

…or perhaps the excited ones always baring good news?
“I love sunny days!! So glad no more cold weather!!”

…maybe even the infamous song-lyric ones that expose your current mood/vulnerable state? (which let's face it, we humans feel it necessary to broadcast depressing love lyrics when we're sad and lonely)
“I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe”

On V-day I can always expect my news feed to be littered with sweet bf/gf praises…date night details…generic pet names like sweetheart and baby…

I never feel compelled to "like" any of those. Shocking.

Doctor Kitty Burns, MD February 15, 2011
In celebration of my extra special Valentine’s Day edition of Confessions of a Sorority Girl, Kitty Burns has agreed to participate in some Q&A, woot woot!

Kitty is an expert at good relationships. Whoops typo, bad ones.
I'll go ahead and provide some of her background info with the hope you'll kinda trust her advice - - been in 3 serious relationships (1 yr, 5 yr, 1 yr), been in love once, heart crapped on twice and…
enjoys pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.

K, Let’s begin!

1)Kitty, what is your pet peeve when it comes to dating?

Being naïve. Don't get me wrong, I have MANY flaws, but because of my cynicism I rarely fall victim to this (thanks dad?) Girls and guys both can buy into these one-liners, don’t be one of them! Here's what I mean-

“He says he’s too intimidated by me”
If he can tell you he’s intimidated by you, he’s not intimidated by you.

“He just got out of a relationship a couple months ago” Months he says? Unless he was the dumpee and needs grieve time, he’s letting you down nicely. I mean c’mon, doesn't an entire season of The Bachelor go down in like a week?

“He's afraid to get hurt again”
Haha what, did his last girlfriend stab him?

“I can see a future for us, just not right now”
A future implies long-term. Long term COULD mean forever. You have to be pretty dang amazing to qualify as someone’s forever. People don’t let go of someone they deem the catch of all catches.

2)What do you do when your crush is already in a relationship?

Seems you have 2 options:
Team Homewrecker (say you get your way, he ends up yours. He slipped once, you trust he won’t do it again?)

Team Girlfriend (who remember, has a cheating doucher for a boyfriend)

Haha gotcha, obviously a trick question. The correct answer is
Team MoveOnFromThatSorryPiece. He’ll never be what you need. But uhh, what would I know…

3)What if you feel like your crush is always rejecting your social invitations?

Ha, this is a good one. Let me paint ya a little picture – it’s the end of the date, girl asks Romeo to come in for a second and check out the glorious balcony view she raved about over dinner. He says “Oh babe I wish I could but with work tomorrow...I really should get home”.
Oh so many possible factors/excuses…what to think, what to think…

(Hint) If a guy wants to come in…HE’LL COME IN.

Moral of story = those dreaded 6 little words...

he's. just. not. THAT. into. you.

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